I once ate cold spaghetti over the sink at 2 in the morning and called it self-care, so I am in no position to judge anyone’s kitchen. And yet, some people get bored on a Tuesday, open the fridge, and decide to make cursed food on purpose, with no hunger and no adult in the room to stop them. I respect the commitment. I also think somebody should check on every single one of them, starting right here.

Brunch at the Dreamhouse has really gone downhill.


Somebody ate this like a typewriter and refused to hit return.



Me pretending to have table manners on a first date.


Snap, crackle, pray.


Eat fresh is apparently open to interpretation.



Grandma, but make it sodium.


A little crispy, the way the Earth's core is a little warm.


Notes of tomato, regret and a full English.






Vegetarian? No. Just broke and creative.


Release the crust.


Finally, a topping that settles the debate by ending it.


Brain freeze, but make it New England.

The weird food combinations scare me the most, because somebody tasted them and kept going. Nutella on a hard-boiled egg is not a snack, it is a cry for help with a spoon in it. Peanut butter and Jello sounds like a typo until you see it, and then you can never unsee it. I have done things to a microwave burrito that I will take to my grave, but even I have limits.
My real fear is talented people with too much free time. Somebody knitted noodles with chopsticks, somebody crocheted a doily around a cracker, and somebody sculpted an octopus onto a pie, while I still cannot fold a fitted sheet. Not all of these are food fails, exactly. Some are just funny food pictures from people nobody thought to check on for a few hours.
Under all of it is something weirdly sweet. Nobody fills a toilet with cereal for themselves. They do it for the group chat, for the one friend who will scream, for the reaction more than the snack. Food has always been how we show love, and apparently it is also how we prove we were home alone with a camera and a dream.
The fridge is open. The crust is braided. Nobody is coming to stop them.
I went straight from these to 46 Food Expectation vs. Reality Fails That Prove Hope is a Dangerous Thing, which did nothing for my appetite, then 30 Cooking Memes That Taste Like Stress In The Kitchen to feel better about my own cooking. Who Is Approving These Clothing Fails, and Can I Please Speak to Their Mother? is next. Bring normal snacks.





