I am looking at these confusing t-shirts and I am genuinely concerned for the future of the garment industry. A person wearing a graphic tee about taking gas station pills and going to Applebee’s is the exact reason I never leave my apartment without a flask. It is hyper-aggressive and honestly just confusing. This is the fashion police department and I am making an arrest for that Willy Wonka quote. “I don’t sugar coat shit” is not a personality trait; it is a warning sign that you are probably a nightmare at parties. These outfit fails are everywhere. We have people in nude-colored leggings with logo patterns that create an unfortunate visual effect. Honey, those did not look better on the rack, I promise you. We are seeing weird clothes that range from a white shirt asking for a beer to Octavia Spencer holding a gun. Don’t make me drink alone? I’ll drink alone if it means I don’t have to look at your wardrobe. It is a level of main character energy that is actually a social violation. These questionable life hacks are the worst part. Who told you that clear plastic wrap was a good substitute for shoes on an escalator? You are one mechanical glitch away from a very interesting insurance claim. It is public awkwardness at an industrial scale and I am just here to document the disaster.

The older man at the stadium taking blatant photos of a woman’s backside is the cherry on top of this tasteless sundae. It is a level of social etiquette failure that makes me want to retire from the human race. We see people slumped backward in motorized shopping carts like they have completely given up on life and style at the same time. These fashion disasters prove that some people just shouldn’t be allowed to dress themselves without a permit. Whether it is an explicit 2008 world record shirt or a makeshift pad mask, the message is clear: you are doing it wrong. We laugh because if we didn’t, we would have to acknowledge that these people are allowed to vote. It is a judgmental look at the world of produce aisles and bus rides where good taste went to die. If your outfit involves plastic bags and designer logos in the wrong places, please stay inside. The fashion police have seen enough for one lifetime. I am going to go lie down in a room with neutral colors and no text on the walls.