Every October I buy the biggest pumpkin at the patch, announce a bold artistic vision, and end the night with two triangles, a crooked mouth, and a bandage. That’s the beauty of the season: everybody is an artist for exactly one week. Funny pumpkin carvings remind me that the bar is wonderfully low and somehow also on fire. Some of these people are geniuses, and some gave up halfway and called it modern art. I love them all equally.
Two mediums. One very confident dinosaur.
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This is what twelve lattes did to him.
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Somebody waited in line for this one.
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The duck is wearing a sponge for a hat and I respect it.
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Sweater weather, my foot.
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Utilities not included. Bats included.
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Tiny homeowner. Big smile.
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The judges were either exhausted or geniuses.
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Somebody's game night got out of hand.
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He supervised the whole project.
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Pumpkin nesting dolls, now with bones.
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Spooky season, bunny division.
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Group photo, everybody say cheese.
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Orthodontist says two more Halloweens.
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This porch has range.
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Life, uh, finds a pumpkin.
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He just saw the grocery bill.
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The kitchen counter has never looked this haunted.
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Do not ask him to smile for the photo.
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Played catch. Lost.
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Funny pumpkin carvings
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The ambitious carvers frighten me in the best way. Somebody built braces out of soda can tabs. Somebody else carved a working Halloween crossword, which means they sat at a kitchen table spelling GHOUL with a paring knife. When I look up pumpkin carving ideas, these are the people who show up, and I close the tab immediately because my hands are simply not qualified.
Then there are the minimalists, and honestly they might be smarter than all of us. A pumpkin with two dots and a tiny smile beat an entire office full of professional animators, which tells you everything about judges. My favorite jack o lantern ideas look like they took four minutes and one strong opinion. Less carving, more personality, fewer trips to urgent care.
Nobody warns you about week two. Cool pumpkin carvings start the month proud and end it looking like they survived a tax audit. Leave one on the porch during a warm October and it slowly collapses into a disappointed old man. I once threw out a pumpkin that looked so let down by me that I apologized to it out loud.
Pumpkins might be the most honest craft project we have. You get one shot, the material is wet and slippery, and the finished piece starts decomposing before you’ve even taken the picture. Nobody gets to keep their masterpiece, so the real point is the evening itself: newspaper on the table, seed goo on everything, and the kid who wanted a scary face and got a cheerful one by accident.
That’s why I love the bad ones as much as the brilliant ones. A crooked, toothy, slightly melted jack-o’-lantern on a porch means somebody in that house spent a night laughing and getting orange on the furniture. Mine usually leans to one side like it’s eavesdropping, and the neighbors politely call it brave. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to glow for a few nights before the squirrels file their complaint.
The knife is dull. The seeds are everywhere. The face is perfect.
If you’re still in the mood for orange, our pumpkin spice memes cover the first sip of the season, and the dark Halloween memes are for anyone who likes their spooky with a little edge. Still need a costume? The Halloween couples costumes are negotiations you can see from across the room. Our amazing pumpkin carvings collection has more porch bragging rights, too. Grab a candle and a bandage.
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