Every year I swear I’ll finally commit to a real costume, and every year I show up in a hoodie with ears on it and eat my body weight in mini Snickers. This weekend, the people who actually tried made me feel things. I’ve been collecting the clever Halloween costumes that ran the parties, the bars and the group chats since Saturday night, and these folks out-planned me by about eleven months.
Worth more now that it's ruined. Very on brand.
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Somewhere a stadium camera operator just felt a chill.
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Drafted in the first round, house-trained by the second.
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The only guy at the party who smells good.
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He has both ears. I counted twice.
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Minimal effort, maximum wattage.
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The most trustworthy nanny at the party, somehow.
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Built with love, packing tape and zero ventilation.
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The official uniform of the guy who said he wasn't dressing up.
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The Android one is hitting harder than it should.
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Pretty sure that sport coat sold me a lemon in 1998.
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Still a dollar fifty. Some things are sacred.
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The group Halloween costumes hit me hardest, because getting four adults to coordinate is harder than any costume. I can’t get my friends to agree on a pizza place, and somebody out there got five women into matching doll boxes and a whole crew into pearls and floral prints. The boxed wine trio deserves a trophy, or at least a refill from the spout.
I’m also jealous of the DIY Halloween costumes crowd, who looked at a pile of cardboard and saw a calling. One guy built a South Park robot in his kitchen while I struggle to tie a tie. The pop culture Halloween costumes went deep too, from a basketball-playing golden retriever to a walking Van Gogh, and a hot dog showing up with her own Costco employee is the most romantic thing I saw all weekend.
Nobody in these photos was trying to look good. They were trying to make one person across the room scream the name of the thing, which is the whole holiday, really. Grown adults spend real money and real hours on a bit, then eat candy off a paper plate at 1 a.m. I admire it, and next year I’m finally buying the box.
The candy is half price. The wigs are back in the closet. The group chat is already planning next year.
I went straight back to Funny Halloween Couples Costumes Are Just Relationship Negotiations You Can See From Across the Room after this, then lost an hour to The Best Movie Halloween Costumes Cost Eleven Dollars and Twenty Years of Rewatching the Same Scene. A Day-After-Halloween Meme Dump for the Half-Price Candy Crowd finishes the job. Bring snacks.
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