I’ve raised three kids and a husband who once microwaved a boiled egg, so I truly believed I’d heard every sentence a human could say. Then the internet started handing me brand new sentences, and I’ve had to go sit down in the pantry more than once. Some of these made me laugh so hard I had to hold onto the counter. Pour yourself something and settle in, because these folks have been busy.
Somebody get this man some sunshine.
Save
Somebody tell my husband to start saving.
Save
Silicon Valley is just a rune shop.
Save
The smoke detector filed for retirement.
Save
Wardrobe: one shirt, four continents.
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The break room has questions.
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His parents were going for memorable.
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Delegation at its finest.
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My favorite funny tweets are the ones where somebody is just trying to get through the day and accidentally says something that belongs in a museum. A grown man bragging that his junior chicken is fully paid off, in four installments? I’ve done worse with a sweater from Kohl’s, and I’m not proud of it.
Nothing makes me feel more seen than unhinged posts where somebody describes their own brain like a broken appliance. Calling your frontal lobe a unicycle the devil rides is the most honest thing I’ve read all year, and I say that as a woman who has lost her keys inside the refrigerator. Twice. These funny social media posts make me feel understood and a little bit worried.
I think we pass these around because language is the one toy everybody gets for free, and some people are just better at playing with it. You and I say the same tired things every day, then a stranger says somebody invented indoors and the whole world laughs at once. That’s kind of sweet, honestly. We’re all just out here making it up.
Lord help us, somebody out there is already typing the next one.
I Have Read Sentences on the Internet That Have Never Been Said Before and Cannot Be Unread is the perfect next stop if you’re still blinking, and First I Rolled My Eyes at These 25 Dumb Funny Tweets, Then I Saved Them All is sitting right beside it. Grab a snack for the road.
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