I once wrote a strongly worded review of a hotel ice machine, and I stand by every word, especially the part about betrayal. So I understand the people behind funny online reviews: they aren’t customers, they’re novelists with an order number. Somewhere between checkout and delivery, something happened to them. A rug was too small, a necklace came with surprise teeth, a federal prison would not let them leave, and they needed the world to know. I’m honored to be the world.
Perfect for a very small room.
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Tinfoil, but premium.
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The Tommys must stick together.
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Every Tuesday, apparently.
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She saw it coming.
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Owner chose violence.
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The fish was the only adult.
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That ping is the sound of love.
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Accountability, five stars.
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The dress fit. The family didn't.
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Field tested, literally.
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The holes are the problem, David.
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Great staff, strict curfew.
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Product works. Relationship doesn't.
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Free gift with purchase.
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Image quality: devastating.
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Shape of mew.
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Closure, in writing.
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Wrong aisle, great answers.
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Safety training, unscheduled.
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Customer service, but make it a duel.
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Tough love, glass edition.
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Happy birthday, Eric. Buy ham.
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Sibling rivalry, publicly graded.
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7.4 out of 10, somehow.
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Strict but fair.
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Mayor, landlord, and referee.
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No wolves were harmed.
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Location, location, location.
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Justice was not served.
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Funny online reviews
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The funny amazon reviews in here are my favorite kind of literature, because every one starts with a reasonable purchase and ends in a confession. Someone bought refrigerator magnets and immediately found a family use for them that no manufacturer intended. Someone else reviewed a bathroom scale like a motivational speaker back from a war. I once returned a blender with a two page letter explaining that we had grown apart, so I see myself in these people.
Funny google reviews are different, because you can’t return a place. You can only rate it. People have given stars to a federal prison, the highest court in the land, and somebody’s sister’s university, and each review is somehow completely unfair and completely correct. My favorite is the person who brought a pet iguana to a tennis club and promised to return every Tuesday, which reads less like a review and more like a warning.
And then the owners fight back. Funny customer reviews are one thing, but a business owner answering with one devastating sentence is pure theater. One looked at a complaint about a rat and suggested a mirror. Another invited a one star reviewer to come explain himself in person. I would never be that brave, which is why I mostly review ice machines.
I think reviews turned into comedy because they’re the last place regular people get a microphone with no rules. Nobody edits them, nobody fact checks them, and there’s always a box that says tell us more, which might be the most dangerous sentence on the internet. Give a bored person five stars and a text field, and you’ll get a short story every single time. I have personally read the reviews for a garden hose for forty minutes and did not buy a garden hose.
There’s something lovely about it, too. Under all the sarcasm, these are people trying to help strangers, or at least entertain them while they wait for a package. A grandmother wishing her grandson a happy birthday inside a restaurant review is not technically following the guidelines. She’s doing something better: talking to everybody at once, like the internet was always supposed to be one big kitchen table.
The package arrived. The review is posted. The seller is reconsidering everything.
If you’ve got a cart full of things you’re not going to buy, keep the momentum going. Read more funny amazon reviews from people who clearly needed someone to talk to, browse our funny google reviews for places you will never visit, or check out the gamers writing Steam reviews like Victorian novelists. Then go leave a review of your own. Be honest. Be weird.
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