I barely passed history, mostly because I was busy writing a boy’s name on my binder, so I learned all of it from history memes, which is how I know Napoleon mostly just beat up Austria and one sultan had 800 kids. I’ve dated men with worse track records. I’ve dated men with that exact track record, and they couldn’t name their kids either.
At some point Austria has to check the locks.
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Best impulse buy in American history.
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Gluten was the least of their problems.
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That town has one joke, and it's earned it.
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They checked 2,400 years ago, and they'd like that noted.
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Imagine getting mugged for a Hershey bar.
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My grandfather's ship was also old, and it also yelled at me.
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What I love most about world history memes is that they’re furious on behalf of people who’ve been dead for 1,000 years. Somebody out there is still mad that the Battle of Hastings wasn’t in Hastings, and I respect that, because I’ve been mad about one brunch since 2014. It’s all just grudges with better maps.
The real shock is how miserable regular life used to be, and I say this as someone who has cried in a Sweetgreen. For most of history your bread had gravel in it, and nobody could ask for a manager. I can’t eat at a restaurant if the lighting is wrong. History facts like that should humble me, and for about nine seconds they do.
I think people love this stuff because it proves nobody has ever known what they were doing, and that includes the guys on the money. Every empire was just a bunch of tired people trusting a man in a big hat. Napoleon memes make me feel better about my own choices, and if you knew my choices, you’d know what a lift that is.
Somewhere, right now, a man is explaining the Roman Empire to a woman who asked him to pass the salt.
Not done being humbled? 35 Weird History Facts That School Was Too Scared to Assign will do it, and Medieval History Memes Have Taught Me That Hollywood Owes the Middle Ages an Apology finishes the job. I read both in a bathroom at a wedding.
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