I have two kids, a mortgage and a husband who thinks a rinse counts as washing a pan, and I have never once been as loyal to any of them as I am to a pound of thick-cut. So when somebody hands me bacon facts, I don’t check the sources. I just stand over the stove and nod, like I’m being read my rights. Here’s what I learned while the pan heated up.
One small step for man, one giant side order.
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Cancel the streaming services. I found my subscription.
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150 compounds, and every one of them can find me through a closed door.
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Bacon got a comeback tour before any of my exes did.
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I love finding out that my favorite food has a publicist. Breakfast bacon came out of a PR campaign, which means the most sacred part of my morning is basically a 1920s influencer deal, and I fell for it harder than I fell for my husband. Bacon history is full of this stuff. We took it to the moon, and I can’t get anyone in my house to carry a plate to the sink.
The fun facts about bacon I’m keeping are the ones that let me off the hook. If my brain lights up for bacon the way it does for hard drugs, then I don’t have a snack problem, I have a diagnosis, and you can’t shame a diagnosis. I’ve eaten it cold, over the sink, at 11 p.m., staring at myself in the microwave door, and I’ve sent more bacon memes than birthday texts. I don’t need more information, I need a sponsor who brings a pan.
What I really love is that nobody needs any of this, and everybody repeats it anyway. You can’t walk into a kitchen without someone announcing food facts over the skillet, and it’s never about the food. It’s a way to stand next to people you love while something smells incredible. Also, the grease can apparently become fuel, so it’s already more useful than my brother-in-law.
Somewhere a pan is getting hot, and I have never once been strong enough.
Still hungry? Some Cheese Facts For Everyone Hitting The Bag of Shredded at Midnight will keep you in the kitchen, and 32 Interesting Food Facts For Your Brain And Your Appetite covers the rest of the fridge. I Skip Breakfast Every Day but Never Skip a Good Breakfast Meme is there for dessert. Bring a napkin.
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