I have not gone to the bathroom alone since 2019, and I want to be clear that I live by myself. That is life with pets with no personal space: a small, warm creature decides that wherever your body is, that is also where its body should be, ideally on top. I complain about it constantly. I have also sat with a dead leg for ninety minutes because someone with whiskers fell asleep on it and I did not want to be rude. Please enjoy these animals, who have never once asked permission.
Even Superman has a weakness, and it weighs eighty pounds.
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He lives like this now.
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The meeting has been rescheduled.
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Hello. We heard a wrapper.
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The final piece.
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Blink twice if you need help.
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The one room. The ONE room.
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It's hers now. You know the rules.
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He has accepted his role as furniture.
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Wellness check.
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That's his mug now. Get a different mug.
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Out of office.
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He's been chosen and he knows it.
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Shower thoughts, now supervised.
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Privacy was a nice idea.
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Cone of intimacy.
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Hat with opinions.
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Sharing a pillow. The pillow is her skull.
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Just checking how the pie is going.
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Player two has entered the frame.
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Group project.
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Water pressure inspector.
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She hates water. She hates being left out more.
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The chair was never hers.
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Middle management.
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There's a person under there. Probably.
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She saw water and a person. The math was simple.
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Pets with no personal space
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The bathroom is where I notice it most. I close the door, and within seconds there is a nose under it, breathing like a detective. People call them velcro dogs, which is cute, but velcro at least lets go when you pull. My dog has watched me shower with the face of someone waiting at an airport gate for a loved one, and I have apologized to her for taking so long.
Work is no safer. I used to think I was a person with a job, and then I learned I am mostly a warm surface near a keyboard. Clingy pets do not care about your deadline. They care that your hands are busy with something that is not them, and they will lie across the entire situation until that is fixed. I have sent emails with a tail in them.
And then the full body ones, where the animal simply lies down on a human like a paperweight with a heartbeat. These are my favorite funny pet photos because the person always has the same face. It is the face of someone who cannot feel their arm and has decided that is fine. I know that face. I make it most nights around eleven, pinned under nine pounds of cat, holding in a sneeze.
Here is what I think is going on. A pet does not have a concept of your space and their space, they just have the place where you are, which is the good place. That is the whole philosophy. We spend so much energy as people trying to seem like we do not need anyone too much, and then a small animal sits directly on your face at six in the morning with no shame at all.
I want to be loved like that, and I also want to be able to love like that, loudly and in the way. I am not there yet. I still text people “no worries if not!” when I mean please come over. But every night an animal climbs onto my chest like I am the only chair in the world, and I lie there, unable to reach my water, thinking this is the nicest thing that happened to me all day.
The lap is taken. The leg is asleep. Nobody is moving.
If your heart can handle more, we have plenty. The cat memes are full of tiny furry roommates behaving badly, the dog memes are basically a support group for people who share a pillow with a snout, and the weird pets collection is for anyone who suspects their animal is not quite standard issue. There are also funny animals stuck in places they should not be. Go look. Your pet is already reading over your shoulder.
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