It’s 2 a.m. and someone has just sent me a photograph of a dog holding a salami in one paw and a peeled banana in the other, and I am supposed to, what, respond? I’m supposed to have a take on this? There is a mustard donut. There is a woman aiming a handgun at a goldfish and she is smiling about it, professionally. Someone was paid, in American dollars, to stage this. That is the part I cannot shake. These weird stock photos are not accidents, they are deliberate acts committed by adults on a Tuesday. Scroll down, but brace yourself.
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Finding Nemo: Director's Cut.
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Weird stock photos
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So who is buying these. That’s my real question. I understand the economy of a handshake photo. I understand the smiling-woman-eating-salad photo. Somewhere, a marketing director signed off on “businessman napping in flower bushes with briefcase,” and I need to know what slide deck that ended up in. Was it a mental health campaign. Was it HR. Was it a crime.
The funny stock photos circuit has been going for decades at this point, and the strangest part is that every single one of these exists because a real person stood in a real studio and said the phrase “okay now bring in the tiger.” Absurd stock images have become their own cottage industry, fueled entirely by art directors who refuse to settle for ordinary. You look at the cat with the real rat as a computer mouse and you realize, oh, this wasn’t a fluke. This was the pitch. Bizarre stock photography is a career, apparently, and business is booming.
My favorite thing about the whole ecosystem is that somewhere, in some PowerPoint deck about “embracing change” at a regional insurance firm, the cowboy-stabbing-a-hard-drive photo is being used unironically. And the meeting is going fine. Everyone nodded.
The thing about scrolling through these is the slow, creeping realization that none of them are for you. They’re not designed to be laughed at. They exist in the database in deadly earnest, waiting patiently for the exact wrong blog post to need them. A woman doing yoga next to a skeleton is filed under “wellness.” Sneakers with human toes are filed under “fashion.” A tiger in a kitchen is tagged “breakfast.” I want to meet the keyword specialist. I want to shake their hand. I want to ask them one question and then leave immediately.
There’s a beautiful horror to it, the idea that every single one of these moments was planned, staged, lit, reviewed, approved, and uploaded. Someone picked the flip-flop. Someone picked the mustard. Someone, somewhere, looked at a grown man in a plaid dress peeling potatoes and said, “more plaid.” And then clocked out. And went home. And had dinner. And slept.
If this gallery scratched a particular itch, the cursed images corner of the internet is a rabbit hole waiting to happen, along with surreal meme collections for when reality stops cooperating, and oddly specific work memes for when the cowboy-versus-hard-drive energy starts resonating with your actual job.
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