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Solid Gold Tweets: 30 Funny Tweets You Might Have Missed

Roy R. May 19, 2023 01:00 AM EDT

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Poorly Drawn Turtle UP @NoTheOtherJohn Layla looks like the person in front of her in line at the grocery store is on their cell phone 7 Brookfield Zoo @brookfield zoo • 18m vi Layla, our female rhino, is slightly smaller than Nakili, weighing in at 2,648 pounds. She is often described as sweet but sassy and loves snacking on sweet potato, melon, and corn! — Save

Valerie Earnshaw, PhD @UDStigmaLab Need to do a better job proof-reading my CV. Seems I've had a paper on there on "undiagnosed STIs among men who have sex with me" for the past year. d 11:36 a.m. • 16 Jul. 22 • Twitter Web App 954 Retweets 197 Quote Tweets 21.2K Likes 17 Jacques Balayla MD, MPH @jacqu... • 4h: Replying to @UDStigmaLab Oh been there... obstetrician here... meant to say « sonography » and the phrase autocorrected to « we used pornography to assess cervical length » ... peer reviewers had a blaaaaaaast — Save

wittyidiot @stephenszczerba What combination of unresolved trauma & dark humor coming out in inappropriate yet hilarious ways am I going to wow them with today — Save

trash jones @izux if you can't handle me at my worst then we have that in common — Save

Amelia Tait @ameliargh I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company's invoicing portal and I can't delete it — Save

Metro Boomer @Prof_Hinkley Ladies and gentlemen, this is Capt. Jones and I'II be your pilot today and, uh damn that's a lot of buttons. That's a lot of fucking buttons — Save

Roxy @RoxyTall reading reviews to decide on which romance novel to read next and.. ;3 388 reviews • 785 followers Follow May 2, 2021 this bitch needs to see a gynecologist ASAP her panties get wet like every chapter. the guy literally just breathes on her and she's like HEEEEELP @08 — Save

joegarbe @gojarbe [gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway — Save

Nick Torretta @elastic_music Son: "I can't sleep, I think the bougie man's under the bed" Me: "don't you mean the boogeyman?" Voice from under the bed: "wow the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC" — Save

pj evans o @pjayevans Cars have windows and can move. Houses have windows and can't move. So It's not the windows that make the car go, It's something else entirely 21:30 - 09 Mar 21 - Twitter for iPhone gelledegg Follow this is what ancient greek philosophy is like — Save

Simon Holland @simoncholland The dinner I made tonight wasn't great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans. — Save

slate @PleaseBeGneiss absolutely nobody: razor blade companies: ok we heard you. we added a blue strip with slime — Save

Katie D @KatieDeal99 I'm the oldest sibling, or as I like to call it, the rough draft child — Save

ely kreimendahl @ElyKreimendahl u should be able to order a chocolate chip cookie medium rare — Save

Atsuko Okatsuka @AtsukoComedy my father-in-law asked me what stops me from not stealing, or lying, or cheating, or murdering if I don't read the Bible and that's when I realized…. My father-in-law? should not stop reading the Bible — Save

Lucy Huber @chubes Once again thinking about how deeply fucked up the custody agreement in The Parent Trap is. They were just like "we each get one baby, then we'll never see our other child for LIFE. But it's ok be they look the same" — Save

dana bad @baddanadanabad one time i changed in front of my mom and she saw a tattoo i have next to my boob and she was like "make sure your employer never sees that. tattoos aren't professional." and it's like fuck now i can't sleep w my boss without them thinking im unprofessional. — Save

alexandra nikolajev @lexniko you do you but maybe also you do therapy. — Save

ret o @rad milk turns out if you go caroling it has to be christmas songs. your neighbors will call the cops if you sing freak on a leash by korn — Save

ophelia @a24florencepugh uhhhhhhhhh i just figured out that "ofc" is "of fu king course" but this whole time i've been reading it "ofcourse" .. anyway if u need a dumbass just hmu — Save

online moose @tiemoose science teacher: now does anyone know why the water and oil separated me: [remembering what my parents told me] is it because of me — Save

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Posted by Roy R. About the author

Roy has been one of the internet's meme tastemakers for more than a decade. He and Phil started Thunder Dungeon in 2012 by posting the stuff they found funny, and it grew into viral photo and video creations, one of the largest meme community apps and one of the best sites for daily meme content. If you've spent any time online, you've probably laughed at one of his memes.

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