I still think about my light-up sneakers the way some people think about their first love. I used to stomp up and down the dark hallway at night just to watch the heels blink, and honestly, I would do it today. Retro shoes from the 90s weren’t footwear, they were a cartoon strapped to your foot with two Velcro straps and a prayer. My therapist says I should let go. My therapist never owned Goosebumps sneakers in October.
Zero to hero, in Velcro.
Save
I love you, you love me, these have Velcro.
Save
Clever girl. Fresh kicks.
Save
Hakuna matata, double knotted.
Save
With great Velcro comes great responsibility.
Save
Stone by day, stylish by night.
Save
Jaws, but make it fashion.
Save
Quack attack, now with arch support.
Save
Light up shoes were the original status symbol, and I will not be taking questions. If your heels flashed red, you were somebody. If they stopped flashing, you were nobody, and you had to live with that on the bus. I once jumped off the couch forty times in a row to see if mine still worked, and they did not, and neither did my knees.
The real 90s nostalgia hit is the licensing. Every cartoon, movie and video game got its own sneaker, from Power Rangers to Jurassic Park, and kids treated them like a contract. You weren’t just wearing shoes, you were declaring allegiance. Looking back, 90s fashion had one rule for children: if it has Velcro and a character on the side, it’s formalwear.
I think we miss these because they were the first thing we ever really picked out ourselves. Standing in that shoe aisle holding the box with your hero on it felt like choosing who you were going to be. Most of us outgrew the shoes in six months. Some of us never outgrew the feeling, and that’s fine.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the dark hallway, stomping.
I went straight from these to 22 Retro Sneakers From The 90s We Still Want, which was dangerous for my bank account, and then Why Did 90s Bedrooms Have More Personality Than Every Apartment I’ve Rented Since? finished me off. Proceed with caution and Velcro.
Read Memes.
Get Paid.
The only newsletter that pays you to read it.
A daily meme recap, and every week one subscriber gets paid.
How it worksWho needs to see this?
Send it to the friend who’ll laugh the hardest, or post it for everyone.
