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Funny

Solid Gold Tweets: 30 Funny Tweets You Might Have Missed

Roy R. Mar 29, 2023 05:00 AM EDT

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My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won't stop saying he's "microdosing pants" 'whenever he wears shorts — Save

[whispering through glory hole] you know what else is glorious? friendship — Save

Saw a billboard that said "anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth." And it's like oh my God I've been on meth this whole time. — Save

how come only fighter pilots use call signs? why can't my coworker call me 'devil dog' when im using a forklift — Save

up a meal just call it Chicago style and serve it anyway — Save

Cop: you're going to prison for forgery Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now — Save

i am skeptical of the concept "Too Big To Fail" mainly because i am extremely big and i fail constantly — Save

a thing about ADD is you can be looking directly into someone's eyes while they're talking, brainstorming about all the ways you can become a better listener — Save

picking up some new rocket skates ACME INDUSTRI — Save

[Testing Cat-Human Translator] Scientist: Cat, what is your name? Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks. — Save

(a bell rings, reminding me of previous times i have eaten) these memories are so good. ... might as well salivate. it's my choice. — Save

ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you're having them for dinner — Save

Without warning, Harrison Ford's earring begins to glow white hot. Thousands of miles away Morgan Freeman's earring emits a low frequency hum. They both gaze upward. "It is time." — Save

First of all DO NOT address me as "Honey" if you're coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS. — Save

zoomer raised on a porn asking their partners to put on the extra fake fingers — Save

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day — Save

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person's sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important. — Save

2:00pm: Gonna save the other half of this sandwich for later 2:06pm: Time to finish that sandwich — Save

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him — Save

Nobody told me banks don't need to hear if you're traveling out of the country anymore. I called my bank to tell them I was going to Italy and they were just like "ok weird flex, congrats I guess" — Save

you should be allowed to leave work early if you are too sleepy and you want to go beddy bye — Save

love dry cereal it feels like im eating dog food for girls — Save

me: yes i'm sexually active the dentist: i didn't ask — Save

some guy posted to legal advice canada on reddit asking if he could sue the new balance corporation because he kept falling and hurting himself while wearing their shoes, and then it was slowly revealed in the comments he just literally does not know how to tie his shoes — Save

My kid: It's not fair. You get to do whatever you want. Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog's vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family: — Save

Me: I let things go Also me: gather round children and let me tell you why I still hate U2 for putting an album on my phone against my will a decade ago — Save

Me: Why are any of us here, really? Zoo security guard: I'm asking about you, specifically. — Save

pretending to be asleep so the cop that arrested me has to carry me to my cell — Save

[First date] Her dad: want her home before midnight Me: but you already own her home Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don't sleep with him, I will — Save

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire — Save

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Posted by Roy R. About the author

Roy has been one of the internet's meme tastemakers for more than a decade. He and Phil started Thunder Dungeon in 2012 by posting the stuff they found funny, and it grew into viral photo and video creations, one of the largest meme community apps and one of the best sites for daily meme content. If you've spent any time online, you've probably laughed at one of his memes.

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