These Rangers Deserve A Raise: National Park Tweets

The bear encounter instructions deserve an award. “Use your voice, not your opposable thumbs, to identify yourself.” The bear, I regret to inform you, does not care that you can open jars. The bear has not been impressed by your evolutionary advantages since the moment you arrived in the parking lot. These NPS social media posts smuggle real survival advice inside jokes so sharp that you accidentally remember them, which is genuinely the best possible outcome for government communication.

Then the spiderweb tweet. The official recommendation is to use a stick, or face, whatever feels right. That’s consent-based spiderweb clearing, delivered by the United States government. The park ranger memes in this gallery are operating at a level of absurdity that most comedy accounts cannot access, because the context is, “we are also trying to keep you from dying.”

The friend-shaped bison bit might be the most important public service announcement of our time. Bison look friend-shaped. Bison are not, in fact, your friend. Bison have their herd, their hobbies, and no room for whatever you’re offering. These park service memes have articulated what biologists could never, which is that the wildlife is genuinely unbothered and you should match that energy.

And the TLC waterfall parody. The NPS quoting 1990s R&B to warn you that waterfalls are slippery and maybe stick to familiar rivers. That’s a funny nature facts delivery method that should be taught in every communications class in the country.

The Katmai bear diet plan (“gorge on salmon, sleep on beach, repeat”) is the only wellness program I’ve ever seen that I could actually commit to. Peloton cannot compete. These tweets keep accidentally describing my weekend and then turning into safety briefings, which is an incredible range for a single Twitter account.

The placeholder tweet that just said “[insert inspirational nature quote here]” is the purest content the NPS has ever produced. Somebody hit publish without filling in the blank. Somebody else at the agency decided to leave it. It is, unironically, the most relatable thing the government has ever posted.

And the horned lizard selfie captioned “felt cute, might shoot blood from eyes later.” That lizard understood the assignment. That lizard is thriving. The confidence is unmatched and slightly concerning, which is the whole tone of the account in one animal.